Comments on: Sometimes I Hate This http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this Fri, 10 Feb 2012 09:23:51 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Diana Marie Davis http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this/comment-page-1#comment-4320 Diana Marie Davis Sun, 01 Aug 2010 02:13:59 +0000 http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this#comment-4320 This may not be read by many since it is nearly six months after the last comment, but I wanted to say that you can feed the good wolf. The bad wolf may be always at the door, but you can overcome anger. It takes time and effort, but it can be done; I know, I've done it. And I will always be working on it for the rest of my life. But as Rob says, sometimes you just have to yell! And sometimes strategic retreats are in order too. I will speak of my own experience. I am transgender, and my ex spouse is, uh, shall we say less than supportive? It's been almost 11 years since my ex found out that I am TG, and almost seven years since we split. Her anger and bitterness have cooled only slightly since then. My children were told by a well meaning therapist that the shouting would occur less often after the separation then divorce, but they have told me that it only got worse instead. At some point I had to choose how I would react to my ex - would I respond in kind, or would I take the high road? I understood that not every fight was worth the effort and as such sometimes the children got less than the best. The alternative was that I would fight for the absolute best and hurt them in the process, giving them the worst possible outcome. So I chose not to fight many fights for the better item, knowing that the fight itself would make it a worse alternative than for me to not fight. That said, there are fights worth fighting and I have done so. A lot of my friends were angry at me for not responding in kind to the antics of my ex. They felt that the only redress was to essentially do unto my ex as my ex did unto me. I chose not to respond this way because not only would it hurt my children, it would hurt me. I did not and still do not want to be angry and bitter. And so I choose not to respond in kind and I chose to try to do good to my ex, knowing all the time that everything I do is either taken for granted or outright dismissed. Why do I do it then? Early on, other friends told me that the children would see two different examples based on the road they thought me to be on. They felt that the children would see anger on one side and love on the other. And that is what I choose to show my kids: I chose to return - with love - the hate directed at me by the other parent. And that has made all the difference, both for them and for me in particular. The more good I return to my ex, the easier it gets. It has taken many years, but I find that I can live with myself because I am the kind of person I want to be, and I am not angry and bitter like my ex. To be sure, I do get angry and bitter at times. I vent to friends briefly, then shut up about it. I get it off my chest, and I remember what happened, but I move on. It is a constant battle, but the more I have fed the good wolf, the easier it becomes. I will conclude with a vignette I heard at age 15. A man laying on his death bed recounts his life to someone nearby. He laments that as a young person, he set out to change the world. But the world would not change and he grew frustrated. So he set his sights on changing his nation. But his nation would not change either. So he sets his sights on his state, then his county/parish, then on his town, then his local community, all with the same results. And in his later years, he laments that only near to the end of his life, he discovers that had he only set about to change himself, he might have been able to change the world. Perhaps the man in the vignette thinks he is setting his sights lower with each level he "drops" to. But I can think of no higher aspiration than to change oneself. I have tried to live by this vignette for well over half of my life and am so glad I heard it at an early age. I will continue to live by this for the rest of my life. I will always try to feed the good wolf - as if the good wolf cannot get enough. One must feed the good wolf just as one must feed relations, whether family or friends or even colleagues. And one must definitely feed oneself. Just like they say on the airliners - since I have kids I listen - put the mask on your own face first, then on the childrens in case of decompression. You can't help them if you're dead, can you? So take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Rob, you don't speak of having children. Even if you don't, don't forget to feed yourself. That's the best way to help everyone involved. Do not forget yourself. This may not be read by many since it is nearly six months after the last comment, but I wanted to say that you can feed the good wolf. The bad wolf may be always at the door, but you can overcome anger. It takes time and effort, but it can be done; I know, I’ve done it. And I will always be working on it for the rest of my life. But as Rob says, sometimes you just have to yell! And sometimes strategic retreats are in order too.

I will speak of my own experience. I am transgender, and my ex spouse is, uh, shall we say less than supportive? It’s been almost 11 years since my ex found out that I am TG, and almost seven years since we split. Her anger and bitterness have cooled only slightly since then. My children were told by a well meaning therapist that the shouting would occur less often after the separation then divorce, but they have told me that it only got worse instead.

At some point I had to choose how I would react to my ex – would I respond in kind, or would I take the high road? I understood that not every fight was worth the effort and as such sometimes the children got less than the best. The alternative was that I would fight for the absolute best and hurt them in the process, giving them the worst possible outcome. So I chose not to fight many fights for the better item, knowing that the fight itself would make it a worse alternative than for me to not fight. That said, there are fights worth fighting and I have done so.

A lot of my friends were angry at me for not responding in kind to the antics of my ex. They felt that the only redress was to essentially do unto my ex as my ex did unto me. I chose not to respond this way because not only would it hurt my children, it would hurt me. I did not and still do not want to be angry and bitter. And so I choose not to respond in kind and I chose to try to do good to my ex, knowing all the time that everything I do is either taken for granted or outright dismissed. Why do I do it then?

Early on, other friends told me that the children would see two different examples based on the road they thought me to be on. They felt that the children would see anger on one side and love on the other. And that is what I choose to show my kids: I chose to return – with love – the hate directed at me by the other parent. And that has made all the difference, both for them and for me in particular. The more good I return to my ex, the easier it gets. It has taken many years, but I find that I can live with myself because I am the kind of person I want to be, and I am not angry and bitter like my ex. To be sure, I do get angry and bitter at times. I vent to friends briefly, then shut up about it. I get it off my chest, and I remember what happened, but I move on. It is a constant battle, but the more I have fed the good wolf, the easier it becomes.

I will conclude with a vignette I heard at age 15. A man laying on his death bed recounts his life to someone nearby. He laments that as a young person, he set out to change the world. But the world would not change and he grew frustrated. So he set his sights on changing his nation. But his nation would not change either. So he sets his sights on his state, then his county/parish, then on his town, then his local community, all with the same results. And in his later years, he laments that only near to the end of his life, he discovers that had he only set about to change himself, he might have been able to change the world.

Perhaps the man in the vignette thinks he is setting his sights lower with each level he “drops” to. But I can think of no higher aspiration than to change oneself. I have tried to live by this vignette for well over half of my life and am so glad I heard it at an early age. I will continue to live by this for the rest of my life. I will always try to feed the good wolf – as if the good wolf cannot get enough. One must feed the good wolf just as one must feed relations, whether family or friends or even colleagues. And one must definitely feed oneself. Just like they say on the airliners – since I have kids I listen – put the mask on your own face first, then on the childrens in case of decompression. You can’t help them if you’re dead, can you? So take care of yourself so you can take care of them.

Rob, you don’t speak of having children. Even if you don’t, don’t forget to feed yourself. That’s the best way to help everyone involved. Do not forget yourself.

]]> By: Steve Zlick http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this/comment-page-1#comment-1584 Steve Zlick Fri, 05 Feb 2010 19:21:53 +0000 http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this#comment-1584 So is Living With Wolves still available for your Indian name, or does the studio own all alternatives that might be trademark infringement? I'm glad at least Will is feeding the Love Wolf with salmony goodness. Please feed the Love Wolf a little more yourself. It may mean less good-fight works from the Anger Wolf, but I care about you more than your good cause. So is Living With Wolves still available for your Indian name, or does the studio own all alternatives that might be trademark infringement?

I’m glad at least Will is feeding the Love Wolf with salmony goodness. Please feed the Love Wolf a little more yourself. It may mean less good-fight works from the Anger Wolf, but I care about you more than your good cause.

]]> By: IT http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this/comment-page-1#comment-1567 IT Thu, 04 Feb 2010 03:27:47 +0000 http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this#comment-1567 I too have been fighting the anger, all these months and more since PropH8 passed. As you point out, it's necessary anger, but it has at times gotten too far away from me. I'm trying to get back to the day to day reality of life and not let it ALL be about that ALL the time. But there is so much to be done.... I too have been fighting the anger, all these months and more since PropH8 passed. As you point out, it’s necessary anger, but it has at times gotten too far away from me. I’m trying to get back to the day to day reality of life and not let it ALL be about that ALL the time. But there is so much to be done….

]]> By: Matthew http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this/comment-page-1#comment-1559 Matthew Wed, 03 Feb 2010 19:44:56 +0000 http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this#comment-1559 This is really beautiful. My own journey of internalized homophobia was that I once believed this, and even when I first came out, I believed it, and tried to convince myself and others that I would not be like all those "other" gay people that have sex with boys. Videos like this really make a difference. I remember when I first got educated about this stuff. I felt so ashamed, angry at myself and others who taught me this stuff. I also felt guilt at ever having thought such crap. This is really beautiful. My own journey of internalized homophobia was that I once believed this, and even when I first came out, I believed it, and tried to convince myself and others that I would not be like all those “other” gay people that have sex with boys. Videos like this really make a difference. I remember when I first got educated about this stuff. I felt so ashamed, angry at myself and others who taught me this stuff. I also felt guilt at ever having thought such crap.

]]> By: ChadSF http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this/comment-page-1#comment-1547 ChadSF Wed, 03 Feb 2010 00:04:30 +0000 http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this#comment-1547 I am new to your blog but not new to the various work that you've done in the past. Your latest video was simply amazing and filled with facts that is hard to deny, not that it hinders our opponents from saying what they say about us. I can see where you find yourself sometimes hating the stuff you do, especially when it comes to issues like this. Children are used used so much in this, a lot of it surfaced during the Prop 8 trials here in San Francisco. Just like most commenters here, I also find myself "feeding that angry wolf" inside me but I have a husband that keeps me at bay. It's hard, I know it is and I totally understand your predicament. But you are doing good work by putting things into perspective and exposing the truth behind these vile allegations. We all have our way of showing our bravery, be it in this format or being called to testify against a group that stripped you of your rights. I applaud and admire you for all the work and visibility you've done. I would like to cheer you on for the upcoming AIDS/LifeCycle. I'll be donating to you. I am new to your blog but not new to the various work that you’ve done in the past. Your latest video was simply amazing and filled with facts that is hard to deny, not that it hinders our opponents from saying what they say about us. I can see where you find yourself sometimes hating the stuff you do, especially when it comes to issues like this. Children are used used so much in this, a lot of it surfaced during the Prop 8 trials here in San Francisco.
Just like most commenters here, I also find myself “feeding that angry wolf” inside me but I have a husband that keeps me at bay. It’s hard, I know it is and I totally understand your predicament. But you are doing good work by putting things into perspective and exposing the truth behind these vile allegations.
We all have our way of showing our bravery, be it in this format or being called to testify against a group that stripped you of your rights. I applaud and admire you for all the work and visibility you’ve done. I would like to cheer you on for the upcoming AIDS/LifeCycle.
I’ll be donating to you.

]]> By: Tre http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this/comment-page-1#comment-1546 Tre Tue, 02 Feb 2010 23:36:37 +0000 http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this#comment-1546 Well said. I find that I too, feed the wrong wolf, on occasion. It's hard not to. In this day and age, communication and sensationalism are partners. You have instant access to the most vile, bigoted asshats and the filth they spew. Years ago, before the "internets" you'd rarely hear such horrific things being said about the LBGT community to the extent and frequency that we hear today. But out of that comes the ability to discuss the other side in on-line forums, blogs, etc. Staying connected to friends, family and co-workers who know in their heart that our only agenda is to call out the lies, bigotry and hatred forced down the collective throats of the general public, is the best way to feed the good wolf. Well said. I find that I too, feed the wrong wolf, on occasion. It’s hard not to. In this day and age, communication and sensationalism are partners. You have instant access to the most vile, bigoted asshats and the filth they spew. Years ago, before the “internets” you’d rarely hear such horrific things being said about the LBGT community to the extent and frequency that we hear today. But out of that comes the ability to discuss the other side in on-line forums, blogs, etc.

Staying connected to friends, family and co-workers who know in their heart that our only agenda is to call out the lies, bigotry and hatred forced down the collective throats of the general public, is the best way to feed the good wolf.

]]> By: Mrs. Chili http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this/comment-page-1#comment-1544 Mrs. Chili Tue, 02 Feb 2010 20:30:11 +0000 http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this#comment-1544 I think that the key to living with the wolves is in finding that balance. We cannot be - nor should we be, I think - just one or the other. Keep working; even though it may feel like it sometimes, you're so not in this alone. I think that the key to living with the wolves is in finding that balance. We cannot be – nor should we be, I think – just one or the other.

Keep working; even though it may feel like it sometimes, you’re so not in this alone.

]]> By: ilyanna http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this/comment-page-1#comment-1542 ilyanna Tue, 02 Feb 2010 17:46:58 +0000 http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this#comment-1542 Thank you very much for making this video - and all the others - despite the pain it causes. Please know that your anger really DOES make a difference. A friend in SF linked to your movie and posted it on Facebook, and I loved it and linked to it, and hopefully some of my homophobic friends will learn from it, and others will link, etc. Presenting facts the way you do really CAN change even the most thoughtless, homophobic person. My husband was, well, misguided when we met. Years of discussion and confrontation (with rational, fact-based studies like yours to back me up) between us has changed him. The other day we were discussing some of the behaviors of our seven year old son, and I said something along the lines of "he may be gay." My husband -- who once believed that gays were pedophiles and predators -- said "that's okay. He's a good kid and I love him no matter what." So your work really IS making a difference. I hope that knowledge can help you feed the "good" wolf. Peace be upon you. Thank you very much for making this video – and all the others – despite the pain it causes. Please know that your anger really DOES make a difference. A friend in SF linked to your movie and posted it on Facebook, and I loved it and linked to it, and hopefully some of my homophobic friends will learn from it, and others will link, etc. Presenting facts the way you do really CAN change even the most thoughtless, homophobic person. My husband was, well, misguided when we met. Years of discussion and confrontation (with rational, fact-based studies like yours to back me up) between us has changed him. The other day we were discussing some of the behaviors of our seven year old son, and I said something along the lines of “he may be gay.” My husband — who once believed that gays were pedophiles and predators — said “that’s okay. He’s a good kid and I love him no matter what.” So your work really IS making a difference. I hope that knowledge can help you feed the “good” wolf. Peace be upon you.

]]> By: Andy http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this/comment-page-1#comment-1541 Andy Tue, 02 Feb 2010 16:46:31 +0000 http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this#comment-1541 This post beautifully encapsulates so much of what I have been feeling and experiencing over the past several years. I have gotten to the point where I can't even bring myself to read, say, Pam's House Blend (or other LGBT blogs) because it's just one rage-provoking post after another (I used to refer to the DC Blade and the SF gay rags as the "Journal of Gay Bashing" for the same reason). As a consequence of this and of moving out of the bar scene and into a committed relationship, I have largely cut myself off from the LGBT community. Your post is a poignant reminder, even in this age of supposed cultural integration, of the power of shared experience. Thank you for giving it voice. This post beautifully encapsulates so much of what I have been feeling and experiencing over the past several years. I have gotten to the point where I can’t even bring myself to read, say, Pam’s House Blend (or other LGBT blogs) because it’s just one rage-provoking post after another (I used to refer to the DC Blade and the SF gay rags as the “Journal of Gay Bashing” for the same reason). As a consequence of this and of moving out of the bar scene and into a committed relationship, I have largely cut myself off from the LGBT community. Your post is a poignant reminder, even in this age of supposed cultural integration, of the power of shared experience. Thank you for giving it voice.

]]> By: Daniel http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this/comment-page-1#comment-1539 Daniel Tue, 02 Feb 2010 13:51:44 +0000 http://wakingupnow.com/blog/sometimes-i-hate-this#comment-1539 Thank You!!! Thank You!!!

]]>