I’m gratified by the response to “Protect the Children (and mean it).” I’m proud of the video.
I hated making it.
I procrastinated on researching, writing, and taping the thing. The first round of video was so awful I scrapped it and shot it again. Every tiny glitch in the animation felt like a fingernail scraping across my brain. The closer I got to completion, the fouler my mood became. I wondered why this video was so different from the others, and for a while I thought it was only because the topic is so abhorrent. Focusing on the abuse of children hurts you at the bottom of your soul.
After I finished the video I took our pup Lucas for a walk. I realized I wasn’t just feeling downhearted, but angry as well – anger that wrapped itself around me like steel bands constricting every feeling and thought. I wondered, Why am I not simply relieved that I’m done? And then I discovered the other corrosive issue.
I was angry the video had to be made.
Angry these lies are told about us. Angry we hear them ourselves when we’re struggling teens. Angry our parents and pastors — thinking we’re straight – tell us gays are disgusting and hell-bound and a danger to kids. Angry that people we meet and talk to and work with have been told these lies by their parents, too. Angry we have to wonder what’s passing through their minds on finding out we’re gay. Angry we have to be alert for signs that they’re hiding a reaction that could bite us later. Angry that being gay means spending our days debunking foul lies.
Here’s the twist of the knife: After a while we take all this as a natural state, and we push down this anger that would otherwise make it impossible to function. At least I do. But as I made the video every small difficulty – every moment of technical frustration – gave that anger an opportunity to seep up, like water leaking out of an underground pipe. And still I didn’t know why I felt so wretched. But finally, on that walk with Lucas, watching him romp and explore and sniff at trees and do his business (“checking messages and leaving messages,” as Will likes to call it), I pulled myself out of that whole desolate swirl and saw the deeper problem: Every time I worked on the video, my anger was working on me.
This epiphany didn’t sweep the anger away. In fact, I felt it even more. But the steel bands, they did go away. I felt free and relaxed and furious, and I could finally enjoy the prospect of posting the video. And later in the evening a wonderful, giddy peace settled over me.
I can list some cliché lessons from this: Own your anger, own your feelings, etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. And I do believe that, but there’s another issue troubling me.
Most of my blog posts are inspired by anger at the suffering of an LGBT person due to homophobia and bigotry, or at one of our opponents for telling a lie. When I write a post, I try not just to expose the lie but to expose the hatred or ignorance or fear that made the lie possible. This can be so satisfying, but I worry about spending that much time in state of driven outrage.
It makes me think of the Native American story about a man who tells his son that every person lives with two wolves fighting inside. One is a wolf of anger, resentment, hatred, and despair. The other is a wolf of joy, serenity, truth, and compassion. They are locked in a constant battle. The son, frightened, asks his father, “Which will win?” And the father replies, “The one you feed.”
Our opponents make it easy for us to feed that snarling wolf. And to compound the problem, I think we have to feed both those wolves; sometimes we need our anger if we want to fight the enemies of compassion. Yet other times we forget that anger is not our only tool. I don’t see a clear way through this forest, and that’s troubling because I know both wolves are there.
Last night Will wrapped up salmon in a foil packet and steamed it over the grill. He sautéed onions in olive oil with rice wine vinegar, added some chopped fresh tomatoes, and stirred in a bit of apricot preserves. It was ridiculously, ludicrously good. But Will made it mostly because my doctor wants me to eat more healthy fats. And because Will loves me. Hidden in there, I think, somewhere in the small, happy moments of life, is the key to living with my wolves.
“After a while we take all this as a natural state, and we push down this anger that would otherwise make it impossible to function”
I think it’s poignant that you wrote this entry. I almost always immediately pass on and reference your amazing videos. But you’re right, this one is tough. Tough for us to have to face, not because of guilt, but because of the real harm the lies perpetuate. And I will pass this video on, that also means I’ll have to do another blog entry, but I digress.
It’s something I’ve been fighting with a lot lately, probably more than I want to. And I know that sooner or later it’s all going to burst. But trying to find a way to manage the anger and the sadness and the futility of it all is like some sick waste of time, stuck in my own head. So the cycle continues, I keep screaming inside and looking for something real to make myself smile on the outside, but I keep going, because I guess we all have to.
For what it’s worth, your writing and videos have always been amazing, in temper, facts and rational thought, you honestly do a service to everyone, I hope that that helps, at least a little bit. I know it must hurt, even for someone as strong as you, but thank you.
I’m a straight guy who seriously applauds what you do, Rob, and I try to do my bit as well, in my field. You might ask, why do I care? Well, I care because people keep fucking with my LGBT brothers and sisters and I’m Goddamned sick and tired of it. I’m a married man. I have a kid. Who the fuck is going to tell me I can’t see my wife in the hospital, or that I can’t ride in the ambulance with my kid, or that she’s not covered by my insurance, or that she can’t decide what to do with my remains after I bite it? That’s fucking monstrous. It beggars belief. And that’s what we’re doing to you, every single day. I can’t handle that. I can’t accept it. And you damn betcha I’m going to fight it.
Will loves you. He cooks you salmon because he loves you. I teared up when I read that, Rob. That is the bottom Goddamned line. He loves you, and you love him. I get so insane thinking that there are people out there who hate your love, or who dismiss it as meaningless. It makes me want to run out in the street and scream at people.
Keep up the excellent work.
This is an incredible piece of writing, and hit home for me on so many levels. I too struggle with the anger and all the emotions, that I cannot ever truly explain, that you summed up so perfectly.
These lines especially:
“Angry we have to wonder what’s passing through their minds on finding out we’re gay. Angry we have to be alert for signs that they’re hiding a reaction that could bite us later. ”
I’ve only been out 2.5 years. In many this experience is still so fresh for me, and maybe because of that- the experience of my life before and my life now is contrasted heavily by the anger (and confusion, frustration, sadness, wariness) that accompanies the experience of being gay in this society.
The Native American story you shared is also one that resonated, and gave me much to consider right now.
Thank you for the video, for this blog and for your commitment to this cause.
Jeanette
The good wolf/bad wolf story really hits home with me. I’m both queer and have a disability, and my parents are passive-aggressive homophobes, so I have a lot of stuff feeding that angry wolf, whether I like it or not. I need to get feeding that joyful wolf more often than I do.
Thank You!!!
This post beautifully encapsulates so much of what I have been feeling and experiencing over the past several years. I have gotten to the point where I can’t even bring myself to read, say, Pam’s House Blend (or other LGBT blogs) because it’s just one rage-provoking post after another (I used to refer to the DC Blade and the SF gay rags as the “Journal of Gay Bashing” for the same reason). As a consequence of this and of moving out of the bar scene and into a committed relationship, I have largely cut myself off from the LGBT community. Your post is a poignant reminder, even in this age of supposed cultural integration, of the power of shared experience. Thank you for giving it voice.
Thank you very much for making this video – and all the others – despite the pain it causes. Please know that your anger really DOES make a difference. A friend in SF linked to your movie and posted it on Facebook, and I loved it and linked to it, and hopefully some of my homophobic friends will learn from it, and others will link, etc. Presenting facts the way you do really CAN change even the most thoughtless, homophobic person. My husband was, well, misguided when we met. Years of discussion and confrontation (with rational, fact-based studies like yours to back me up) between us has changed him. The other day we were discussing some of the behaviors of our seven year old son, and I said something along the lines of “he may be gay.” My husband — who once believed that gays were pedophiles and predators — said “that’s okay. He’s a good kid and I love him no matter what.” So your work really IS making a difference. I hope that knowledge can help you feed the “good” wolf. Peace be upon you.
I think that the key to living with the wolves is in finding that balance. We cannot be – nor should we be, I think – just one or the other.
Keep working; even though it may feel like it sometimes, you’re so not in this alone.
Well said. I find that I too, feed the wrong wolf, on occasion. It’s hard not to. In this day and age, communication and sensationalism are partners. You have instant access to the most vile, bigoted asshats and the filth they spew. Years ago, before the “internets” you’d rarely hear such horrific things being said about the LBGT community to the extent and frequency that we hear today. But out of that comes the ability to discuss the other side in on-line forums, blogs, etc.
Staying connected to friends, family and co-workers who know in their heart that our only agenda is to call out the lies, bigotry and hatred forced down the collective throats of the general public, is the best way to feed the good wolf.
I am new to your blog but not new to the various work that you’ve done in the past. Your latest video was simply amazing and filled with facts that is hard to deny, not that it hinders our opponents from saying what they say about us. I can see where you find yourself sometimes hating the stuff you do, especially when it comes to issues like this. Children are used used so much in this, a lot of it surfaced during the Prop 8 trials here in San Francisco.
Just like most commenters here, I also find myself “feeding that angry wolf” inside me but I have a husband that keeps me at bay. It’s hard, I know it is and I totally understand your predicament. But you are doing good work by putting things into perspective and exposing the truth behind these vile allegations.
We all have our way of showing our bravery, be it in this format or being called to testify against a group that stripped you of your rights. I applaud and admire you for all the work and visibility you’ve done. I would like to cheer you on for the upcoming AIDS/LifeCycle.
I’ll be donating to you.
This is really beautiful. My own journey of internalized homophobia was that I once believed this, and even when I first came out, I believed it, and tried to convince myself and others that I would not be like all those “other” gay people that have sex with boys. Videos like this really make a difference. I remember when I first got educated about this stuff. I felt so ashamed, angry at myself and others who taught me this stuff. I also felt guilt at ever having thought such crap.
I too have been fighting the anger, all these months and more since PropH8 passed. As you point out, it’s necessary anger, but it has at times gotten too far away from me. I’m trying to get back to the day to day reality of life and not let it ALL be about that ALL the time. But there is so much to be done….
So is Living With Wolves still available for your Indian name, or does the studio own all alternatives that might be trademark infringement?
I’m glad at least Will is feeding the Love Wolf with salmony goodness. Please feed the Love Wolf a little more yourself. It may mean less good-fight works from the Anger Wolf, but I care about you more than your good cause.
This may not be read by many since it is nearly six months after the last comment, but I wanted to say that you can feed the good wolf. The bad wolf may be always at the door, but you can overcome anger. It takes time and effort, but it can be done; I know, I’ve done it. And I will always be working on it for the rest of my life. But as Rob says, sometimes you just have to yell! And sometimes strategic retreats are in order too.
I will speak of my own experience. I am transgender, and my ex spouse is, uh, shall we say less than supportive? It’s been almost 11 years since my ex found out that I am TG, and almost seven years since we split. Her anger and bitterness have cooled only slightly since then. My children were told by a well meaning therapist that the shouting would occur less often after the separation then divorce, but they have told me that it only got worse instead.
At some point I had to choose how I would react to my ex – would I respond in kind, or would I take the high road? I understood that not every fight was worth the effort and as such sometimes the children got less than the best. The alternative was that I would fight for the absolute best and hurt them in the process, giving them the worst possible outcome. So I chose not to fight many fights for the better item, knowing that the fight itself would make it a worse alternative than for me to not fight. That said, there are fights worth fighting and I have done so.
A lot of my friends were angry at me for not responding in kind to the antics of my ex. They felt that the only redress was to essentially do unto my ex as my ex did unto me. I chose not to respond this way because not only would it hurt my children, it would hurt me. I did not and still do not want to be angry and bitter. And so I choose not to respond in kind and I chose to try to do good to my ex, knowing all the time that everything I do is either taken for granted or outright dismissed. Why do I do it then?
Early on, other friends told me that the children would see two different examples based on the road they thought me to be on. They felt that the children would see anger on one side and love on the other. And that is what I choose to show my kids: I chose to return – with love – the hate directed at me by the other parent. And that has made all the difference, both for them and for me in particular. The more good I return to my ex, the easier it gets. It has taken many years, but I find that I can live with myself because I am the kind of person I want to be, and I am not angry and bitter like my ex. To be sure, I do get angry and bitter at times. I vent to friends briefly, then shut up about it. I get it off my chest, and I remember what happened, but I move on. It is a constant battle, but the more I have fed the good wolf, the easier it becomes.
I will conclude with a vignette I heard at age 15. A man laying on his death bed recounts his life to someone nearby. He laments that as a young person, he set out to change the world. But the world would not change and he grew frustrated. So he set his sights on changing his nation. But his nation would not change either. So he sets his sights on his state, then his county/parish, then on his town, then his local community, all with the same results. And in his later years, he laments that only near to the end of his life, he discovers that had he only set about to change himself, he might have been able to change the world.
Perhaps the man in the vignette thinks he is setting his sights lower with each level he “drops” to. But I can think of no higher aspiration than to change oneself. I have tried to live by this vignette for well over half of my life and am so glad I heard it at an early age. I will continue to live by this for the rest of my life. I will always try to feed the good wolf – as if the good wolf cannot get enough. One must feed the good wolf just as one must feed relations, whether family or friends or even colleagues. And one must definitely feed oneself. Just like they say on the airliners – since I have kids I listen – put the mask on your own face first, then on the childrens in case of decompression. You can’t help them if you’re dead, can you? So take care of yourself so you can take care of them.
Rob, you don’t speak of having children. Even if you don’t, don’t forget to feed yourself. That’s the best way to help everyone involved. Do not forget yourself.