I got a fundraising email from Maggie Gallagher the other day. It’s unbelievably long (as in, I can’t believe she expects people to read this whole thing). One sentence jumped out at me before I gave up on the piece.
Are two men pledged in a sexual union really a marriage?
Personally I’d answer, No.
Actually, I’d blink twice, tilt my head, squint quizzically, and then answer, No. Mostly because I don’t know many men who have pledged to each other in a merely sexual relationship.
On the other hand, suppose Maggie had asked:
Are two men in romantic relationship — who have pledged to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, from this day forward until death does them part — in a marriage?
I’d answer, Of course.
But of course, Maggie didn’t write that. She knows it would devastate her argument. She knows the only way she can win is to deny that such a commitment is even possible between two men. That’s why NOM’s website contains this false and dehumanizing assertion:
Love is a great thing. But marriage isn’t just any kind of love; it’s the special love of husband and wife for each other and their children.
‘Cause you see, two men can’t feel that kind of love. Not for each other. Not for their kids.
Maggie’s key strategy here is denial of reality. We see the same thing in different words from NOM’s resident intellectual (God help them) Jennifer Roback Morse, who claims marriage equality will reduce the institution to nothing more than a “registry of friendships.”
Again: denial of reality. And it truly is offensive. Compare it to statements like these:
- But marriage isn’t just any kind of love; it’s the special love of two white people for each other and their children.
- But marriage isn’t just any kind of love; it’s the special love of two non-Jews for each other and their children.
- But marriage isn’t just any kind of love; it’s the special love of Gringich and his woman-of-the-moment for each other and their children.
Well, perhaps that last item doesn’t belong. But those first two statements are no less offensive than what NOM wrote about gay and lesbian relationships.
Okay, that last bit was kind of a tangent. My real point here is that our opponents resort to this rhetorical strategy all the time. We need to point out that it’s not just false, but self-defeating. Not just wrong, but devastating to their own argument. We need to Gingrich ourselves up (rhetorically, not maritally), stop playing defense, and turn their words against them. We need to say:
No. It’s not just a sexual union. It’s not just a friendship. And if you can’t make your case by calling things what they are, then you don’t have a case at all.
Believe me, their words take on this color of EXPERTISE and exceptional knowledge of gay relationships, needs, wants, responsibilities and commitments. Which is to say, they don’t think gay people have any of those. In discussions, the anti gay use condescending tones and words, as if speaking to children, when they talk to gay people.
I recognize that tone. And it infuriates me. Because I’ve seen it, and heard and experienced it coming from say, white bigots. They might not actively THINK themselves hateful against someone black (or gay), but they’ll be quick to lecture, and talk to you as if incapable of living as an adult, therefore don’t deserve the rights and privileges of one.
Children don’t form romantic sexual relationships. Children don’t raise children. Children can’t decide their own futures or engage in professional competition with grown ups. Children aren’t supposed to talk back, challenge adult authority, or get angry or cry. Children aren’t required to understand voting, political participation or participate in such things. Children are to submit to whatever an adult tells them to.
Sound familiar, my friends?
This occurs when men are talking to women, sometimes. As a woman, a black woman, I’ve experienced that condescension. And as a straight woman, I’ve witnessed this treatment towards gay people, and I get it for being an ally. The ‘you must be too stupid to know what gay people REALLY are, or what their agenda is.” And just in case I never knew, that’s when I get subjected to some vivid, graphic and imaginative narratives on what gay people do when they have sex.
That I have close, loving, long time and vast life experience with gay people somehow makes me more ignorant of gay people, than the haters. Who avoid such contact themselves.
J. RoMo, NOM’ers are all guilty of that special kind of snobbery and arrogance. The anti gay comment threads tend to be so much less intelligent, thoughtful, let alone expert than the blog sites that invite gay people and their supporters to comment. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how loaded with hyperbole, anger and hysteria inducing libel one can observe from anti gay articles and their support.
The similarities to the anti segregation propraganda is so impossible to separate, it IS interchangeable. The hate is the same, the excuses and rationalization for are too.
Once again, I remind these factions that I’m not COMPARING the attributes targeted. Because a Jew is different from black, is different from a woman, is different from gay. But ALL have historically experienced abuse, systemic bigotry and discrimination. I’m very specific in saying I’m not comparing attibutes, just comparing the hateful rhetoric.
I was watching an exchange between Maggie Gallagher and Keith Boykin. I’ve known Keith a long time. The nice thing about us straight allies, is we tend to be embraced VERY closely and we’re not easily forgotten. Keith is brilliant, a courtly man, and he’s extraordinarily handsome. And MG talked to him as if she knew more about gay men, and their intentions than he did. He said he didn’t understand her. So she took that to mean he was too dumb to.
Not the fact that she’s a crazy bitch and NOBODY would understand her, no matter how rationally and politely they try to. Her supporters don’t UNDERSTAND her, they are people don’t think very critically to begin with and just GO ALONG with her. She’s overbearing on cue too, and few have a chance to get a word in when she’s in Sherman tank mode.
As someone has said, there is bigotry in low expectations.
And the rhetoric of those against equality is loaded with low expectations, and none at all. And that, my friends is the rope with which they will hang themselves.
Your last paragraph nailed it Rob. If gay marriage were such a horrible thing, then even saying
“Are two men in romantic relationship — who have pledged to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, from this day forward until death does them part — in a marriage?”
should result in a resounding “NO!” But of course it doesn’t.
Personally, I do think she believes gay couples love each other the same way as straight couples, but that she’s trying to appeal to the bigoted attitude that gay partners are just sex buddies.
I think the anti-gay crowd reduces our relationships to an animalistic level because they prefer not to see LGBT people as fully human. If they can dehumanize us in the eyes of others, it makes it easier for them to deny us equality.
To paraphrase Wanda Sykes: I am sixty fucking years old and I don’t give a damn any more what people think of me. If someone: family, coworker or stranger starts with this bull shit I let them have it with all I have. I ask them to prove their facts and state to me exactly how my getting married has a DIRECT impact on their marriage. If they start thumping the bible at me I ask them again, how does my getting married has an effect on their marriage. They can not do it, because there is not reason why my relationship should not be recognized in civil law. We can tell by their rhetoric how despirate they are. After all, how will the beautiful maggie earn her money when this is no longer an issue?
“…I’d blink twice, tilt my head, squint quizzically,…”
Oh gawd, yes, yes and yes; I see I’m not the only one…
…except I franticly rush away to bandage my hemorrhaging scalp and to reattach my Lee press-ons.
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