Who would you rather have a beer with?
That’s a ridiculous way to choose a president, but I thought about it as I watched last night’s Republican debate, two hours likely to inspire nothing but heavy drinking. Here, then, is my rich and foamy analysis.
If you ask Mitt Romney to have a beer he’ll agree, immediately, ordering a Miller Lite after finding the bar doesn’t stock any of his 43 favorite imported microbrews. He’s the big handsome fellow in the middle of the room who surprisingly never seems to be with any friends. He’ll nod yes to everything you say and give a hearty laugh when he realizes you’ve made a joke, but he’s too busy looking for someone better to actually hear anything you’ve said.
You ask the gloomy awkward guy in a sweater vest to have a beer mostly because you feel bad for him, at which point Rick Santorum explains that beer is technically a poison, dangerous to you, your family, your community, the nation at large, and humanity in general. He starts off with the resigned voice of a man irked at having to state the obvious, and escalates to such peevish annoyance that you order six tequila shooters just to shut him out.
You don’t have to ask Ron Paul to have a beer. He’s always there, at the far end of the bar mumbling to himself and letting out quick, tiny yelps before settling back into his constant murmuring groove. When you sit too close you realize he’s now directing this stream at you. Half of it strikes you as audacious, daring, and honest, and half of it’s just batshit crazy. You slip away and he goes back to talking to his mug.
No one ever asks Newt Gingrich to have a beer. He corners you at your sister’s wedding like an amiable grouch and after his fifth beer launches into a psychodynamic analysis of your family history going back to ancient Rome. When you tell him you don’t have a great-uncle named Mike and never did, he’ll sneer and explain in detail your utter ignorance of absolutely everything before shifting into a lecture on how the role of beer in medieval courtship rituals has impacted the American electoral college.
And Barack Obama? Of course he’ll have a beer with you. He smiles past your Budweiser and orders something classy like Sam Adam or Stella Artois, but at least you’ve heard of it. Within a few minutes you can tell he thinks pretty damn highly of himself, but then he makes a joke at his own expense and it’s even kind of funny. He may never be your new best friend, but he’s more fun than the rest of the clowns in the bar, and every so often you realize he’s actually listening to you.
Plus, he’s a great sport when they crank up the karaoke machine.
What are you talking about? Obama would order a foreign beer. Probably a beer from Kenya. Or maybe something from France (Stella being Belgian). He would never order a beer named after an American Patriot, because he does not love America. He would then also force the rich guy in the room (Romney) to buy beers for all the people in the room who are too lazy to work and earn money for their own beer.
Excellent points, Brad. I stand corrected.
…..But beer/alcohol IS poison!
Romney would order a French beer. Newt would order a beer, taste it and leave it on the bar because he didn’t like the taste & order a new flavor. Rinse and repeat. Santorum would order a beer that has a big frothy head but he wouldn’t drink it because he’s too godly and sanctimonius for the ebil booze. Ron Paul would forget that he ordered the beer.
Obama would order a beer but only after he got a concensus on which beer is the best one to drink at the moment.
If someone posts a picture of Romney drinking a beer, it would be the end of his political career. His rich Mormon backers would immediately dry up and demand he tear up his Temple Recommend and send the pieces to LDS HQ. Even HOLDING a beer would be tantamount to drinking it.
Rob, that was fantastic! Put a smile on my face. Well done!
Romney would order the beer, say he forgot his wallet, and make you pay for it. When he gets busted by the LDS Q he will say that it wasn’t his beer.
A neat summary of the characters involved, although as Cowboy points out, Romney wouldn’t be seen with a beer in his hand. Perhaps the beer would be left to sit on the bar as his prop while he went through his smarmy schmoozing routine as described.
While we’re on the topic of what politicians ingest, why does it seem to be a prerequisite for a presidential candidacy to be photographed eating a corndog? A CORNDOG! They are one of the gawdawfullest food products ever developed! They rank right up there with Twinkies! And, like Twinkies, they have a suggestively phallic shape.
So why are they all photographed eating corn dogs instead of Twinkies?
Why not something that at least has a chance of tasting good like, say, apple pie (As American as apple pie)?
Curious minds want to know.
@7
You’re wrong, Will J; Romney didn’t forget his wallet. He left it in the Cayman Islands.
While Newt Gingrich is giving you a history lecture on beer, he’s secretly drinking other people’s beers when they’re not looking.
@clayton HOW DARE YOU MESS WITH CORNDOGS? They’re one of the few things I can appreciate from the South.
Well shit.
My jaw kinda dropped to find out that BO can drop a soulful song note. That beats hell out of whether or not he’ll have a beer with whoever or not.
@BradP and robtish….
so…you’re on board that BO is the ‘food stamp President’ too?
Sad to know.
Why would a Belgian have french beer?
Clayton, they don’t eat twinkies casue that’s just eating big twinks, and only a certain class of hypocrite would do that.
Romney might order a beer, but, being Mormon, he wouldn’t drink it. Gingrich would order a beer, but then the two of you would get caught up discussing some detailed point of American history and not get around to drinking it until it was warm and flat. Obama’s watching his weight, so he’d order a Bud by the other name (Stella), pretend to drink it, and walk out assuming that someone else will get the tab. None of the candidates in either party would have the gumption to actually go to a local brewery in their off time during a campaign season, but their advance security team would after the candidate moves on and they are off duty. Secret Service has class!