On Facebook I saw a Photoshopped pic of Maggie Gallagher, a mock-up of Maggie surrounded by boxes of junk food, a cheap shot at the fact that she’s no size 2.
I hate that stuff.
I’ve thrown lots of mockery and ridicule at Maggie Gallagher, but only in ways relevant to our battle. When she lies about us, it matters. When she attacks us with bad logic, it matters. When she’s a hypocrite or a bigot, it matters. But her looks? Not so much. It only hurts us to attack her on that basis. I’ll explain, but first I have to admit I’ve got a dog in this fight. I have a personal, purely emotional reaction against bullying tactics, and I know exactly why.
I was Neville Longbottom. And, really, I still am.
 Neville Longbottom |
 Me, circa 1974 |
My details weren’t exactly the same (no parents killed by an evil wizard), but like Neville, I was an easy target for abuse:
- I had pigeon-toed flat feet and wore orthopedic shoes.
- I had terrible vision (-10 diopters with a -6 astigmatism) which required thick, thick glasses or hard contact lenses that frequently slipped out of place, or out of my eyes altogether, and I blinked a lot in discomfort.
- I stuttered.
- I got braces a couple years after that pic was taken.
- I couldn’t wear jeans (unwritten rule: jeans could only be worn with sneakers, not with orthopedic shoes) so I spent most of my time in plaid dress slacks from Sears — size “husky” until I suddenly got thin, after which I looked like a greasy lollipop on a stick.
- I was bad, bad, bad at sports. I got picked for teams after the overweight boys and many of the girls.
- I was really good at school and read a lot of science fiction.
I was a shambling, stumbling, stuttering, metal-mouthed oddball with a facial tick around my eyes who dressed like an old man, wrecked the curve for everyone else on every test, and constantly carried a paperback with garish aliens on the cover under my arm. I had two friends, much the same. We spent our lunches pretending people weren’t throwing food at us.
I can’t stand bullying.
I have an immediate, visceral reaction when I see it, and I struggle not to feel like a 12-year-old misfit on the alert for sudden, inexplicable assaults. But that’s my story, right? Not yours. So why should everyone else quit the bullying too (besides the fact that it’s just wrong)? One simple reason:
It hurts us and helps them.
No one likes a bully. NOM — and Maggie in particular — have cultivated the notion that they’re just kind and gentle people trying to protect families against the onslaught of hateful, intolerant, bigoted gays. Mocking Maggie Gallagher for her weight is like handing her a stick to beat us with (and, yes, it comes across even worse because she’s a woman, and gentlemen don’t bully women). I bet she loves this sort of thing, from a professional perspective at least. I bet she wishes we’d take this low road in a televised confrontation. It’s an automatic win for her side.
It also kills our credibility. Right now we’re trying to reach that undecided 20% of America who just don’t think that much about marriage equality. If I were part of that group and I saw gays insulting Maggie for her weight, I’d figure they had nothing else to offer, nothing of substance anyway. That’s why this is different from mocking our opponents for factual errors, mistakes in logic, and hateful homophobia. That kind of mockery, at least, stays on relevant ground.
So please stop ridiculing Maggie’s appearance. Don’t expect me to join in or laugh along. Be the change you want to see in the world. Remember that your means will shape your end. We’ve got too much going for us to resort to petty, schoolyard bullying.
Rob,
quote: I was a shambling, stumbling, stuttering, metal-mouthed oddball with a facial tick around my eyes who dressed like an old man, wrecked the curve for everyone else on every test, and constantly carried a paperback with garish aliens on the cover under my arm.
OMG… you just described my Jr. High experience. I grew up in a small Alabama town and everyone hated me for wrecking the curve. lol
I love the work you are doing on your blog. Most of the time you sound like the voice inside my own head. Keep up the good work!
-Jeff
Regardless of your personal experience growing up, you are right about the weight cracks being the wrong tactic. Besides, ‘bigot’ should be one of the worst insults possible, so why the need to intensify by going after her appearance. If we add ‘fat’ to ‘bigot’, it says more about us than it does about Maggie.
You’re absolutely right. It hurts more to read people on our side using tactics like this than to read the worst insults from the other side, because ultimately, our pettiness hurts us more than it does them.
Also, like Neville Longbottom, I’m confident that you will grow up to be an awesome hero and chop off the head of the giant evil serpent of marriage inequality!
Wow! You really WERE Neville! (not for nothing, but I think Neville is a great kid, and I’m betting you were, too).
You’re right about being the change. It’s so tempting to fight proverbial fire with fire, but I’m reminded of Twain, who said something like “never engage an idiot in an argument because onlookers won’t be able to tell you apart.” We’re better than that or, at least, we should strive to be.
Science fiction is chucked full of fellings of alienation and fascination with the strange but perfectly normal. I just have an inkling that the genre ressonates with some many young queers for this reason. Or is that just me?
It’s not just you, although I think the genre resonates with anyone who has a feeling of being an outsider, of being a stranger in a strange land (although that’s Heinlein, and I’m not sure I want to go there). A lot of science fiction and fantasy stories offer the possibility that difference is not just acceptable but valuable.
The interesting thing about Neville is that he’s like Harry in that he seems to really have the odds stacked against him and yet in the end he succeeds. He’s not in the spotlight, but he’s a hero nonetheless. And even though his motivations are very similar to Harry’s, he’s also driven by a sense of right and wrong that makes me think he’d stand up and fight no matter what his background was. I don’t know if Rob realized the full implications of comparing himself to Neville Longbottom, but I’ve gotta say more of us should aspire to be Longbottoms.
Thanks! Bullying or picking on someone for their features, IQ, social level brings my blood to a boil in an instant and put me on edge and not in a good way.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Mike Dedmon, Amber/Aya. Amber/Aya said: Why gays need to stop making fun of former NOM Pres Maggie Gallagher's weight: "I was Neville Longbottom" – http://bit.ly/d8TFiX (for real) [...]
There are so many legitimate reasons to criticize Maggie so why resort to using something silly, irrelevant, and childish?
I remember the “husky” size. What sadistic marketing slore came up with that terminology? Odd thing was that I started Jr High 30 lbs overweight but ended Jr High 30 lbs underweight. So I went from being teased for being overweight to being teased for resembling a toothpick.
But we can still pie her, right? As long as it’s a fruit pie?
Amen to all you said, Rob. I was a misfit too and endured lots of abuse and ridicule. I hate a bully.
The thing about Neville is that he has an unrecognized nobility and goodness that others don’t see or appreciate until much later. Maybe that’s true for us too.
Love what you’re doing here, keep up the good work.
Better to be a “Neville Longbottom” than say a “Basil Shorttop”…
I’ll take a long bottom over a short top any day. God Bless.
Oy – the above was not supposed to be anonymous – I must have cleared my cookies.
I was pepperoni pizza face with a slur and a habit for literature and history, and now that the zits and speech impediment and poor social skills that they resulted in are gone and I’m hotter [and by the time I get to your advanced age, Rob, I'll be actually hot you stud
] pillorying a woman because of she’s heavy or ugly are among the most abhorrent things I can think of (makeup, hair, and style are totally fair game though for women; and clothing, hair and to some limited extent build are fair for men, in my not so humble opinion). All that said, when we can beat them on the merits of their arguments, let’s do that and leave all the rest for people to figure out on their own.
Maggie seems like she could really use some friends who care for her (as all we nerds did as teenagers, and some of us were lucky to find), and when she ditches her myopic bigotry, I hope our memory doesn’t last so long as to leave a wanting soul out in the cold.
See what all those children’s stories say about swans?
That’s why they are children’s stories. To teach about sensitivity and empathy.
One never knows and should assume that do so, makes beauties of us all.
GUILTY! If the Photoshopped pict of Maggie you are referring to is mine? Maggie had just released a statement to the people of Argentina and I couldn’t help but think Evita. And to the credit of the people of Argentina, I’m sure they were thinking, “Maggie who?” My “Photoshop in under 5 minutes” first round didn’t give me the impact I was looking for, so I took the low road and dropped in a few props.
Definitely not just you. I think about half the guys I’ve dated have found or confessed a liking for it. Then again, that might just be my taste in men. =)~
Rob, thank for you this. You’re a good guy.
I am ASTOUNDED at the thoughtlessness of some people’s comments regarding our “enemies’” weight, appearance, surnames, thinning hair, bone structure, etc.
I’ve seen appalling comments of this nature on Joe.My.God, Towleroad, Pam’s House Blend, Box Turtle Bulletin, and other LGBT blogs. I really wish the owners of those blogs would intervene to set a tone whereby ridicule of appearance, surnames, and other things people largely don’t choose is considered unacceptable.
It’s both unempathic and political poison. Maggie Gallagher can refer prospective donors to NOM to dozens of gay blog comments referring to her weight and not completely unfairly portray “us” as nasty, juvenile, ill-mannered, looksist, shallow, and/or bullies. This does NOT help us make a case that we deserve equality.
Also, I really appreciate sailormouth’s comment from above: “Maggie seems like she could really use some friends who care for her (as all we nerds did as teenagers, and some of us were lucky to find), and when she ditches her myopic bigotry, I hope our memory doesn’t last so long as to leave a wanting soul out in the cold.” (Beautiful sentiment, and beautiful writing.) Maggie and, say, Peter LaBarbera presently wish us harm, no question. But they are acting out at our expense of a function of personal pain that must be extreme. They are definitely “wanting souls.” If or when they stop hurting people, they should be embraced.
“Maggie seems like she could really use some friends who care for her”
Poor Adolph was just lonely and misunderstood too.